enduringvoices | So much better than never have I ever...

So much better than never have I ever...

The buzz was settling in smooth along Max's skin, and he was feeling absolutely no pain right now. It was enough that he and Michael were in this texting discussion, but the topic was absolutely insane. Having walked the short distance over to where Michael was staying currently, Max knocked on the door after the last text came back. He felt terrible for giving his brother such a warped view of him. At least he came bearing gifts. A bottle of tequila and a couple of shot glasses, along with a bag of already cut limes. All Michael had to do was supply the salt.

"Wow. I’m flattered. You really know how to make a man feel special.

Who said I wasn’t drinking? I just wasn’t planning on drinking drinking but fuck it. You’re right we’ve been at odds pushing against each other for too long. We’re idiots. I was just so fucked up back then.

You got your dick pierced?! And both your…Ok I take it back. I’m vanilla. You out freak me. I’m scared to find out what else I don’t know.

You go. I’m processing."

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[How could he have been so blind? All these years and he never knew. The rush of images and memories and feelings is overwhelming and silent tears roll down his cheeks as he stares at Max in wonder. He grew up thinking he was the kid nobody loved and always thought Max watched out for him out of some misplaced sense of duty or pity but he had been so wrong.

If Max had gone through Michael's memories, he would have seen Michael watching Max even when he kept his distance, desperate to be close but too damaged and scared. looking out for Max, trying to protect him time and again. He would have felt the immense relief Michael felt when he was sent back to Roswell even though it was the worst of all his foster homes because it meant he would see Max again and would be able to look out for him and Isobel. He would have seen Michael broken and alone out in the desert so many nights when whatever asshole the state gave him to at the time became too much. There were so many nights he spent in the desert wishing Max was there. He would have seen all the times Michael pushed him away when it was the opposite he wanted. How he hated himself even more after. He would feel the all consuming grief Michael felt when Max died and how he almost gave up on everything but didn't, for Max because he will never give up on him. He would know there is no competition for him in Michael's life and there never has been.]

Max, I never knew...I'm sorry. For everything. [He whispers shakily and kisses him. The kiss is soft and sweet. He can taste Max and the salt of tears and he tries to convey everything he can't find the words to say.

When he pulls away, he wipes at his eyes and laughs quietly.] Man, what was in that tequila?

There's nothing to be sorry about love.
[Honestly, there's nothing there that Michael could have known. They'd both wanted and needed one another, and been scared the whole time. They would have to fight their demons together, now and in the future as they went on. Max had far too many insecurities and Michael had way too many of his own from the life he had lived. It was such a hard life, and it would have Max crying rivers if he'd even glanced through pieces of it.

As it was, he had a feeling, and yet still. Taking Michael by the face, he kisses away the tears. ] Shhh my love. I'm here and I have no fucking idea. I would like to blame it for something, but damn. I found you and we are like this. It was good for us. We should do that again. It was that stupid survey man. It all started with that. That's what happens when you start really talking sex. Speaking of...

[Max glances at their bodies and the couch they're laying on. They are gross. Really, there's blood, sweat, come. Sex is a nasty bit, and they need a bath, or a shower, or a giant hose. something.]

We need to get clean. Bath, shower? [Max groans loudly, but pulls out of Michael, instantly feeling the ache to be a part of him again. It's like there's a hole inside him that he didn't realize was there until Michael filled it. It almost takes his breath away, but he manages to breathe only by pulling Michael up off the couch and into his arms immediately] Your place, I guess you lead the way to the bathroom.

I don't know. I think I like you dirty. [As much as he would happily lay there forever or at least until their backs started hurting from the cheap couch, Max was right; they were in desperate need of a bath and Michael could think of much worse things than taking a hot bath with the man in front of him right now.]

Remind me to do surveys with you more often then. [He grabs Max's hand and leads him down the hall to the bathroom. It's nothing special, small but clean and at least he actually has a full shower now. This place was barely a step up from his airstream but it was what he could afford at such short notice after Alex left. He drops Max's hand to turn the water on and let it heat up. It was finicky and sometimes took a minute to get hot. Once he was sure it was a good temperature he stepped in and held his hand out for Max to join him, pulling him under the warm spray.]

Next time we can take a bath but if I get in the tub with you now you're going to be carrying me out. [The hot water felt amazing, soothing his sore muscles and he can't help but groan contentedly. Even the sting of the water on some of the harsher marks left by Max's mouth felt good, a reminder of what they had shared. He grabs the soap and a washcloth and takes a step toward Max, closing the small distance between them. Max is breathtaking standing there under the water, watching him. Michael brings the washcloth to his skin and starts gently scrubbing over his shoulders, his chest, his stomach, taking his time as if discovering Max's body for the first time.] God, you're beautiful.

[It was still so hard for Max to even believe that Alex had left. He didn't understand it all, but apparently something had happened, and Michael was still here. Max was still here despite all his earlier thoughts, but that had a lot more to do with things present and accounted, the man holding his hand right now, taking him step by step back to the bathroom of his small little apartment. He couldn't help but grin at the thought. He and michael, of all the people in the world to end up together.]

Yeah, we need to do those more often. I need to find out about what a freak in the sheets you are, and about how often you masturbate to thoughts about me.

[There was a little truth to bath thought. Max was feeling wobbly on his legs and while a bath sounded amazing, he wasn't sure he'd make it out of the hot water alive with Michael between his legs. He took up the soap after Michael finished with it and rolls it around between his palms some, sudsing them up real good and then he begins his own rubdown of Michael's gorgeous body. It's so hard not to get caught up in the process. He wants to massage every bit, and in doing that he finds himself wanting to stop and kiss, and do so much more. Fatigue calls though, and Michael's doing the same to his body and it feels so damn good.] You're a work of art with those hands of yours, babe and I don't know who you're calling beautiful, when you clearly have the body of a greek god over here. I mean, look at your abs. When did you do this? I swore I was kissing stone earlier.

[All of this still felt almost like a dream, like he would wake up in the morning to find he had gotten drunk and passed out alone on his couch again. But Max’s body was very solid and real under his hands and Max’s hands, those hands that could work miracles, could bring people back to life, or take life and take Michael apart with just those hands, those were very real.]

Yeah, yeah okay. Says the guy who looks like he came out of a rugged cowboy wet dream. [He laughs, fingers ghosting over the bruises he left on Max’s hips before inching lower, sliding over his length. His touch was tender, loving and even in the haze of exhaustion, he was tempted to linger. If he got to touch this man every day for the rest of his life it wouldn’t be enough but he knew the hot water wouldn’t last long so he kept on task, hands massaging over his thighs and around to his ridiculously perfect ass. This time he let himself linger.]

Okay, now I need to know. Have you masturbated to thoughts of me before?

[Even after being spent twice on the couch, Max can feel the touch of Michael's hand and have heat spill through his body. He wonders if there's an end to what the other alien can inspire in him. He also wonders if there's any nail polish remover close by. His body is aching for a hit of it, for a jolt of energy to replace all that he expended in the exchange they shared. Still, the magnitude of wonder and joy is alive and ever building as he continues to run his hands over the man he has to believe is his now.

If he were to lose this it would be the loss of his soul, and Max knows he'd never survive it. Even after this single exchange, this one night together-- if he were to be set apart, separated, he'd lose himself. It would be a fate worse than death, and he would know.

His hands are up around Michael's shoulders when the other settles on his ass. Max can't help but move in close, place their bodies in alignment there under the warm spray. It doesn't matter how long the warm water lasts. He kisses over his lover's neck, licking at the drops of water, and sucking along the gorgeous stretch of Michael's neck. It makes his heart beat faster, and his body react. He laughs softly at the question.]

You didn't answer me, you know. I asked first, but the answer is yes. Yes, I've masturbated to thoughts of you. I've done it at night, with all the lights off more times than I can count, since I was a teen. I'd wonder what it would be like to touch you, kiss you. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. The first time I kissed a guy, I thought about you. It made it easier in that place, because I didn't want any other men at first. You were the only one I saw, and the one I kept coming back to.

[Heat stirs in his stomach and he tilts his head back as Max mouths along his neck, their bodies pressed close, warm and slick from the hot water. It’s almost like being a teenager again, he thinks, and he feels light, his stomach fluttering and his heartbeat quickening with every touch. He wonders if he’ll always feel this way, if his body will react every time Max enters the room or their eyes meet or even the smallest of touches. God, he was doomed.]

I’ve thought about you too, you know. I just thought I was fucked up but I would lay there sometimes in my truck out in the desert wishing you were there, imaging your hands or your mouth taking care of me, crying out your name in the middle of nowhere in the bed of my truck.

[He closes his eyes for a moment, lost in the feeling of Max’s body, his lips on his skin and then something Max said dawns on him and he places his hands on Max’s hips, pulling back enough to look at him.] Wait, the first time you kissed a guy you thought about me?

You know how fucking hot that is. Now I have to go down on you in your truck, right? I gotta make that fantasy come true.

[As if Max wasn't having trouble before, a fresh new heat stirs inside him and he can't believe it but he's hard again and he really does feel like a friggin teenager again. It's wonderful being able to be like this finally with the person he knows is his other half. His person. To know that he's got that one soul who will love him no matter what. He starts to go for Michael's neck one more time and finds himself being pushed at, he pulls away and glances at Michael with a lift of his eyebrow and then laughs a little.

He remembers his first time. God he was nervous. It was some guy he wasn't even all that super attracted to, but the water he had been in made him needy, and horny and he had to have someone. It was that place, duplicity. He thought about michael for a little longer than the kiss if he was being real]

I cant even remember the guy's name now. He was tall and dark, had a huge cock, I topped him. I thought about you when I kissed him, when I did a lot of things to him. You were so much easier to think of. It was really wrong, you didn't even like me much back then. I didn't think you did. I wanted you so bad. I wish I could have told you then. It was hard, at that place. I'd think of you so much there. I think I probably got off to thoughts of you as much as anyone else.

[and that was honest. It was the worst, cause they were living together there, and Michael would walk around almost naked half the time. Max had to pretend. Michael and he worked on getting along at least, but it was never this. He never knew it would ever be this.]

[Hearing about that place made the anger flare in him every time. It made him sick to think of Max trapped there, forced into unimaginable situations. They’ve all been tortured and thrown into horrible situations especially over the last few years but this was different. Max had been alone. Michael couldn’t protect him, he didn’t even know, and then he came back and dealt with the aftermath by himself.

He rests his forehead against Max’s, taking a deep breath to steady himself. This wasn’t about him, this was about Max and he was relieved Max was confusing in him even if he couldn’t go back and change the past.]

It wasn’t wrong, Max. You’re the strongest person I know. I can’t imagine what you went through. If I could have been there with you I would have. Or trade places… [There wouldn’t even be any hesitation. If he could have traded places with Max and saved him from going through that place he would have. He was in awe of the man in front of him to go through something like that after Jones and losing Liz and still come out the other side with an incredible capacity to love. ]

You’re wrong about one thing though. It wasn’t that I didn’t like you. I don’t know. I was angry a lot. All the time. But I think that I fought you so much and pushed you away partly because I was scared. I think I knew deep down that there was something. I was terrified of how I felt. And I felt like I was such a disappointment and a fuck up to you. But it wasn’t just you, Max. I felt it too.

[They're mostly washed now, maybe not their hair, but the worst of the stuff is off their bodies and the water is starting to grow cold. Not that Max really cares. Still, he'd rather be warm in Michael's bed. He shuts off the water and pulls the other man to him, he wants him close one more time before they have to step out and part for a few seconds. He knows it's silly because it's only a few seconds, but it's long enough.

With their foreheads touching, he can tip his head to touch lips, once and twice. It steadies him. Michael will always steady him now. It doesn't matter what has gone on in the past, at least he's working on that part. They will make it together.]

I know, I know. If I'd known the things I do now. You were with some blood sucker there. You kept acting like I was a kid you had to take care of. You were embarrassed of me, because of the whore I was pretty much, because you were so damn loyal to fucking Damon, and couldn't see how much it all hurt, how disgusted I was with myself, how much I wanted to die in that place sometimes. How I wanted you, god how I wanted you. It hurt.

[He really did hate himself back then. He hated all he went through, he hated that he had to sleep with so many people, he hated that he was in love with michael and thought it was wrong. Now he knows. Now he knows he wasn't alone. He knows that they pushed one another away because of it. ]

You though, you were never a disappointment to me, you were never a fuck up. I loved you. You were always so perfect in my eyes, and worked so hard despite all you'd gone through. I have always been proud of you Michael. so fucking proud.

[He kissed him now, and not soft either. He kissed him hard, and with all that pent up passion, the passion for all the time they didn't get together back then, for all the time they thought that they didn't like one another, for the time that Max was in Duplicity and felt like Michael looked down on him, for all the love that he couldn't share then. Max kissed him so deeply, pouring out every last frustration and fear. He gave it all back and when he couldn't give anything more, he gave it all again until they were both heaving and panting and neither of them were cold from standing there wet, yet both were shivering from the emotions that had carved their way back and forth.]

[Michael gave as good as he got and didn’t hold back. He poured out all the longing, and hurt, and fear, and most of all love. He gave it again and again until he couldn’t tell where he ended and Max began. Kissing Max always felt like a fire lit under his skin, burning him up from the inside until he can barely breathe. He doesn’t even realize they’re both shivering until they come up for air and he knows it’s not just from the cold bathroom air on their wet skin.

Pulling away is no easy feat which he’s starting to realize might be a problem for him. Max was like a magnetic force pulling him in but the promise of Max in his warm bed won out. Stepping out, he grabs a towel and tosses one to Max, making quick work of drying off as much as possible.]

Let’s go to bed. [He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little nervous when he closes the bedroom door behind them. Sex was one thing but this seems more intimate somehow. It took a whole friggin decade before Alex was willing to stay over. Michael was used to waking up alone. He had stopped expecting anything else. So many things with Max were different, new even.

Without a word he pulls the covers down and climbs into bed, pulling Max down with him.] You’re staying, right?

[There had never been a thought in Max's head that he'd be anywhere else for the night. If it was his choice they would never spend another night apart. This is Max, though. For him, he and Michael are a done deal and the love that they share already means that they have given their word, their bond and that's enough. It's the deepest promise that he can give right this second. If there was more to give, Max would offer it on a silver platter.

Crawling out of the shower, the ex-sheriff toweled off and moved into the bedroom, following Michael down into bed. The sheets feel cool against his naked body. It was a good fit, the two of them together, tangling back up but able to stretch out fully now. He leaned over and kissed Michael softly at his question.]

I'd never dream of being anywhere else, my love. I want to stay wrapped up in you as many nights as possible. I'd never give it up if I didnt have to.

He reaches over and slowly runs his hand through michael's curls, closing his eyes as he does so, listening to the soft beat of their hearts as they chimed in rhythm together. It was one of the most relaxing and beautiful sounds. ]

[The rational part of his brain knew there was no question if Max was staying. Of course he would stay but he still felt relief at hearing it out loud. This was uncharted territory, for both of them.

Tangled up sharing body heat under the cool sheets, Michael can’t help but feel like it was always meant to be this way. Their bodies were so in sync down to the beating of their hearts. He watches Max for a long moment in silence, enjoying the quiet comfort of holding the person he loves most in the world and he can feel the pull of sleep but the things Max said about Duplicity keep playing over in his mind.]

Max, [His voice was quiet in the dark calm of the room.] I would never be embarrassed of you. I hate that there was a version of me even there making you feel like that. Never again.

[There was a haze of dreariness that had settled over Max, and the warmth of knowing that he was wrapped in Michael was almost enough to send him off to sleep, but he could feel the weight of something unsettled in his other half. It tugged at him through their exchange, the link of their empathy was stronger than anything he could remember feeling any other time he'd healed anyone, and that included when he'd healed Michael before. That was his hand and the link wasn't as strong, but they still shared something for a while.

He blinked at the sound of Michael's voice and moved in closer, touching his lips to Michael's neck.]

I know you wouldn't, love. I know that's not you, even if he was such an ass. You are not him. You are the Michael that I love and I'm a part of you now, and never going to leave you. I hated that place and the way it made me feel. It broke me, and you [he turns a little and finds michael's lips in the dark, kissing him softly.] you're putting me back together like no one else has been able to since then. I love you for that.

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