enduringvoices | So much better than never have I ever...

The buzz was settling in smooth along Max's skin, and he was feeling absolutely no pain right now. It was enough that he and Michael were in this texting discussion, but the topic was absolutely insane. Having walked the short distance over to where Michael was staying currently, Max knocked on the door after the last text came back. He felt terrible for giving his brother such a warped view of him. At least he came bearing gifts. A bottle of tequila and a couple of shot glasses, along with a bag of already cut limes. All Michael had to do was supply the salt.

"Wow. I’m flattered. You really know how to make a man feel special.

Who said I wasn’t drinking? I just wasn’t planning on drinking drinking but fuck it. You’re right we’ve been at odds pushing against each other for too long. We’re idiots. I was just so fucked up back then.

You got your dick pierced?! And both your…Ok I take it back. I’m vanilla. You out freak me. I’m scared to find out what else I don’t know.

You go. I’m processing."

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[Hearing about that place made the anger flare in him every time. It made him sick to think of Max trapped there, forced into unimaginable situations. They’ve all been tortured and thrown into horrible situations especially over the last few years but this was different. Max had been alone. Michael couldn’t protect him, he didn’t even know, and then he came back and dealt with the aftermath by himself.

He rests his forehead against Max’s, taking a deep breath to steady himself. This wasn’t about him, this was about Max and he was relieved Max was confusing in him even if he couldn’t go back and change the past.]

It wasn’t wrong, Max. You’re the strongest person I know. I can’t imagine what you went through. If I could have been there with you I would have. Or trade places… [There wouldn’t even be any hesitation. If he could have traded places with Max and saved him from going through that place he would have. He was in awe of the man in front of him to go through something like that after Jones and losing Liz and still come out the other side with an incredible capacity to love. ]

You’re wrong about one thing though. It wasn’t that I didn’t like you. I don’t know. I was angry a lot. All the time. But I think that I fought you so much and pushed you away partly because I was scared. I think I knew deep down that there was something. I was terrified of how I felt. And I felt like I was such a disappointment and a fuck up to you. But it wasn’t just you, Max. I felt it too.

[They're mostly washed now, maybe not their hair, but the worst of the stuff is off their bodies and the water is starting to grow cold. Not that Max really cares. Still, he'd rather be warm in Michael's bed. He shuts off the water and pulls the other man to him, he wants him close one more time before they have to step out and part for a few seconds. He knows it's silly because it's only a few seconds, but it's long enough.

With their foreheads touching, he can tip his head to touch lips, once and twice. It steadies him. Michael will always steady him now. It doesn't matter what has gone on in the past, at least he's working on that part. They will make it together.]

I know, I know. If I'd known the things I do now. You were with some blood sucker there. You kept acting like I was a kid you had to take care of. You were embarrassed of me, because of the whore I was pretty much, because you were so damn loyal to fucking Damon, and couldn't see how much it all hurt, how disgusted I was with myself, how much I wanted to die in that place sometimes. How I wanted you, god how I wanted you. It hurt.

[He really did hate himself back then. He hated all he went through, he hated that he had to sleep with so many people, he hated that he was in love with michael and thought it was wrong. Now he knows. Now he knows he wasn't alone. He knows that they pushed one another away because of it. ]

You though, you were never a disappointment to me, you were never a fuck up. I loved you. You were always so perfect in my eyes, and worked so hard despite all you'd gone through. I have always been proud of you Michael. so fucking proud.

[He kissed him now, and not soft either. He kissed him hard, and with all that pent up passion, the passion for all the time they didn't get together back then, for all the time they thought that they didn't like one another, for the time that Max was in Duplicity and felt like Michael looked down on him, for all the love that he couldn't share then. Max kissed him so deeply, pouring out every last frustration and fear. He gave it all back and when he couldn't give anything more, he gave it all again until they were both heaving and panting and neither of them were cold from standing there wet, yet both were shivering from the emotions that had carved their way back and forth.]

[Michael gave as good as he got and didn’t hold back. He poured out all the longing, and hurt, and fear, and most of all love. He gave it again and again until he couldn’t tell where he ended and Max began. Kissing Max always felt like a fire lit under his skin, burning him up from the inside until he can barely breathe. He doesn’t even realize they’re both shivering until they come up for air and he knows it’s not just from the cold bathroom air on their wet skin.

Pulling away is no easy feat which he’s starting to realize might be a problem for him. Max was like a magnetic force pulling him in but the promise of Max in his warm bed won out. Stepping out, he grabs a towel and tosses one to Max, making quick work of drying off as much as possible.]

Let’s go to bed. [He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little nervous when he closes the bedroom door behind them. Sex was one thing but this seems more intimate somehow. It took a whole friggin decade before Alex was willing to stay over. Michael was used to waking up alone. He had stopped expecting anything else. So many things with Max were different, new even.

Without a word he pulls the covers down and climbs into bed, pulling Max down with him.] You’re staying, right?

[There had never been a thought in Max's head that he'd be anywhere else for the night. If it was his choice they would never spend another night apart. This is Max, though. For him, he and Michael are a done deal and the love that they share already means that they have given their word, their bond and that's enough. It's the deepest promise that he can give right this second. If there was more to give, Max would offer it on a silver platter.

Crawling out of the shower, the ex-sheriff toweled off and moved into the bedroom, following Michael down into bed. The sheets feel cool against his naked body. It was a good fit, the two of them together, tangling back up but able to stretch out fully now. He leaned over and kissed Michael softly at his question.]

I'd never dream of being anywhere else, my love. I want to stay wrapped up in you as many nights as possible. I'd never give it up if I didnt have to.

He reaches over and slowly runs his hand through michael's curls, closing his eyes as he does so, listening to the soft beat of their hearts as they chimed in rhythm together. It was one of the most relaxing and beautiful sounds. ]

[The rational part of his brain knew there was no question if Max was staying. Of course he would stay but he still felt relief at hearing it out loud. This was uncharted territory, for both of them.

Tangled up sharing body heat under the cool sheets, Michael can’t help but feel like it was always meant to be this way. Their bodies were so in sync down to the beating of their hearts. He watches Max for a long moment in silence, enjoying the quiet comfort of holding the person he loves most in the world and he can feel the pull of sleep but the things Max said about Duplicity keep playing over in his mind.]

Max, [His voice was quiet in the dark calm of the room.] I would never be embarrassed of you. I hate that there was a version of me even there making you feel like that. Never again.

[There was a haze of dreariness that had settled over Max, and the warmth of knowing that he was wrapped in Michael was almost enough to send him off to sleep, but he could feel the weight of something unsettled in his other half. It tugged at him through their exchange, the link of their empathy was stronger than anything he could remember feeling any other time he'd healed anyone, and that included when he'd healed Michael before. That was his hand and the link wasn't as strong, but they still shared something for a while.

He blinked at the sound of Michael's voice and moved in closer, touching his lips to Michael's neck.]

I know you wouldn't, love. I know that's not you, even if he was such an ass. You are not him. You are the Michael that I love and I'm a part of you now, and never going to leave you. I hated that place and the way it made me feel. It broke me, and you [he turns a little and finds michael's lips in the dark, kissing him softly.] you're putting me back together like no one else has been able to since then. I love you for that.

So much better than never have I ever...

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